


Only Ones Who Know

by pynchs



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Embarrassed Alec, Hurt Alec, M/M, POV Alec
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-18
Updated: 2016-02-18
Packaged: 2018-05-21 11:45:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6050377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pynchs/pseuds/pynchs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec Lightwood is an absolute wreck over the arranged marriage with Lydia Branwell, the marriage an attempt to restore honor to their family name. Upset about the prospects of his future, he finds himself at Magnus Bane's loft, and in an unforeseen turn of events, Magnus offers Alec a place in his guest room if life at the Institute becomes too rough. Something that Alec begrudgingly accepts. </p><p>I'm really terrible at summaries but basically Alec stays with Magnus and Magnus tries to help him as his life falls apart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. chapter one

Head pounding, anxiety coursing through his veins, Alec Lightwood felt as if he was standing outside his body. He could faintly hear his sister, Isabelle yelling at their mother, her voice sounding distressed, but it all sounded so far away. She had set up an arranged marriage between him and another Shadowhunter, Lydia Branwell, to restore honor onto their family. The worst thing of all was the look of disgust projected across his mother, Maryse Lightwood’s, face, as if she couldn’t bear to look at him, as if looking at him made her actions real.

Noises came back into focus and Isabelle was shouting. “You can’t do that to him, he’s not a puppet.” She spat, her eyes burning into her mother’s with distaste. “It’s not fair to him.”

Maryse’s face was stone cold. “I am doing what I have to do to protect this family.” She turned to Alec, who’s face was blank. “And you should be grateful I trust you with this, Alexander.”

At the use of his full first name, Alec’s mind drifted to the night before, his first  _ date  _ with Magnus Bane, the High Warlock of Brooklyn, how Alec had fallen down the staircase outside of Magnus’s apartment when he had kissed him. It was the second time he’d ever been kissed by a boy, Magnus being both boys, and now it would be the last. It was the first time he had ever felt fully comfortable being himself, if not a little nervous, and now he would never feel that comfort again. “I have to go.” He muttered impulsively before turning away from his mother and Isabelle and walking out of the Institute doors. Maryse and Izzy both called out after him. Alec never disobeyed or disrespected his mother, ever, but he couldn’t even think straight. 

He walked to Magnus’s apartment, unsure why exactly he was going. Everything inside of him screamed to go back to the Institute, talk to his mother, not embarrass himself. He had been on one date with this guy and he had already tripped down the stairs and now was about to show up at his apartment in a blur of emotions. 

Magnus let Alec up, and as he knocked on his apartment door he wished he hadn't come. He hadn’t the faintest idea why Magnus seemed interested in him but he was fairly sure this would kill it. Before Magnus opened the door, Alec had determined he was going to tell Magnus their date was a mistake and he wasn’t gay. It was the only way, no one other than Isabelle and presumptuously Clary could ever know Alec was gay. He was going to accept the arranged marriage if it assured his fate as a shadowhunter. The title of shadowhunter was all he had. 

The door opened and Magnus greeted him with a smile, his cat-like eyes glittering. “Alexander.” He greeted, motioning him inside. Alec followed him inside to the apartment, which was littered with old books and papers. “Clary-related things.” Magnus replied with a devilish smile. “Like I said before, I like my apartment dirty but not exactly like this.”

Alec flushed. “Anyway,” Magnus went on, circling his hand, Alec watching as all the books disappeared and the bookshelves lining the room grew more occupied. “What brings you over here today?”

As long as he was being honest with himself, which was something he had been trying to do lately, Alec really liked Magnus. It wasn’t just because he was his first everything, really, it was because he was funny and enchanting and different. Alec didn’t want to give him up. He also didn’t want to hurt him. Maybe he wouldn’t care, he didn’t see why he would care, he was just a shadowhunter. “I just came by to let you know I’m not gay.” Alec started bluntly. “You’re a great person, Magnus, but I’m a shadowhunter and we’re not gay.” He shifted on his feet.

To his surprise, Magnus softly smiled, seeing right through him. “Sit down, Alec.” He said, gesturing over to the couch and sitting down himself. Obliging, Alec followed suit and sat down next to him. “Do you want to talk about it?” He asked, sighing after he finished his sentence. “I might be four hundred years old but I’m not very good at stuff like this.” Magnus admitted. 

“My mom’s making me marry to restore honor to our family name.” Alec began, keeping his eyes glued on his folded hands in his lap. “She’s placing me in an arranged marriage with a shadowhunter girl.” He laughed as soon as it said, it sounded ridiculous. “She doesn’t know I’m gay but I don’t think it would change anything.”

Alec would never be able to talk this openly with someone, no one except Magnus and he didn’t understand why. Years later he would think back on this and realize it was because they were destined for each other, but now he was unsure. Magnus reached forward and placed a hand on Alec’s shoulder, causing him to jump and then relax into the touch. Magnus’s eyes were somber. “I’m sorry Alexander.” Their eyes met and he wanted to shy away from the contact, afraid of it. “Do you want a word of advice?” Alec nodded. “Don’t stand for it. I know you’re a shadowhunter and honor is everything, but don’t just accept this.”

“Why are you sitting here listening to my problems?” Alec found himself asking, and he could hear how vulnerable his voice sounded. He felt like a little kid again and he hated it, he hated being afraid and he hated not being in control. “You barely know me.”

Magnus’s eyes began glittering again, “I know.” He replied, his mouth opening to say something more when he closed it momentarily, searching Alec’s eyes. He was so fearful and fragile, how could Magnus not care? “But ever since you fell down the stairs after I kissed you last night you’ve been kind of stuck on me.” He said in a teasing manner, tightening his grip on Alec’s shoulder as Alec blushed. “I’m also always a sucker for boys that blush. Thomas Jefferson was quite the blusher. Total dick, though.” Alec laughed, and Magnus mirrored his laughter with his own.

Despite the fact none of his hopes could equivocate to the future, Alec felt like this could be something, like he could one day be comfortable being himself. But after he left Magnus’s and returned back to the Institute, as he drifted to sleep that night in his bed with tears in his eyes yet again, something screamed in him that he could never be who he truly was. 

 

***

 

The Institute was hell, and after a few days Alec tried to spend as much time away from there as possible. Jace wasn’t speaking to him, angry beyond words about the fact he had lost Clary, and frankly Alec didn’t blame him. He was distracted, upset and torn up about so many things, and he had let his emotions blind him. Isabelle was fighting with their mother every second of the day about the arranged marriage although Alec had told her the night he returned from Magnus’s that he would accept it if it was what he had to do. His mother wouldn’t even look him in the eye, glancing away from him whenever he tried desperately to meet her gaze. Everytime she refused to look at him it fractured his heart a bit more. Lydia Branwell, the girl he was expected to marry, showed up at the Institute. She was blonde and quiet and he had to admit she was nice, but as soon as his eyes fell on her he knew he could never do it. As she stood in the doors of the Institute, Maryse becoming the amiable talkative version of herself she never acted around her kids, Alec stood there with a glazed look in his eyes. As Isabelle walked by she scoffed, sending a sober look Alec’s way. This time he was the Lightwood that wouldn’t meet someone’s gaze. 

His home didn’t feel like his home anymore, and by the third day he had spent suffering in silence, hadn’t having said more than a sentence to anyone in that time period, Alec went to find his mother. She was sitting in one of the rooms with her cell phone pressed against her ear, and he sat down on a chair beside her. Already he could feel his hands begin to shake in his lap. After what felt like a century in a half she hung up the phone, her eyes meeting Alec’s for the first time in nearly a week, as frigid as ice. “Yes, Alexander?” She asked with a voice to match the look in her eyes. 

Alec’s hands had begun to shake more rapidly, anxiety coursing through his veins. He had never felt like this before, he felt weak. “I know you want to restore honor to our name, I want to as well.” He began, clutching his left hand with his right hand to stop them both from quivering. “But having me marry the Branwell girl isn’t fair to me.”

Maryse scoffed, “You’re a shadowhunter, Alexander, this is what we do. ” She explained, and he knew she was right. Shadowhunters didn’t worry about fairness, they took what was dished out to them with pride and as much honor as they could muster. “I knew your sister would have backlash but I figured you would accept this.”

“Please, mother.” He pleaded.  _ Emotions are only distractions.  _ This was his life, he had to take control. “I won’t marry her. I have followed the rules my whole life, I have been the one to always stay in line and I won’t accept this. I refuse.”

With a laugh, Maryse stood up, beginning to walk out of the room. Without turning her head she uttered, “Take a look in the mirror Alec. Look at what you’ve become.” Leaving him alone in the room, tears stinging his eyes. 

 

***

 

He ended up at Magnus’s again, who seemed all too happy to see him. The last time they had seen each other was three days ago, and he opened the door ushering him in. He was wearing a black t shirt with lions embroidered on the hems and long flowy black pants. Alec almost had to step back when he saw him, and he could feel himself at a loss for words. Magnus seemed to be doing the same, although Alec was unsure why. All he was wearing was an old beige sweater and black jeans, nothing shadowhunters ought to wear. Magnus’s cat eyes were incandescent. “Alec, you look really good. Come in.”

His hair was side swept and messy, and once again the living room area was covered in books. With a wave of his hand the books were gone. “I’m just wearing a sweater, it’s really nothing.” Alec replied with a blush. “Listen, I’m sorry to bother you, you look busy.”

“I’ve been alive for four hundred years I think I can spare an hour or two.” Magnus answered, his face luminous. “How’s Lydia?”  
They sat down on the couch and Alec explained everything that had happened over the course of the three days, what Lydia was like, what he had said to his mom, how distant Jace had been. When he was done he felt so much clearer, as if speaking to Magnus made every one of his problems a little less important, more microscopic considering the big picture. As he finished speaking, he noticed Magnus’s arm was on his shoulder again, steadying him. Alec also noticed the feeling of tears in his eyes, not yet present but forming. He willed them to go away. “It seems like your home doesn’t feel like your home anymore.” Magnus said, reaching his hand up and carefully wiping a tear Alec hadn’t noticed had fallen off of his face, he shuddered at the touch. They had kissed twice and this felt far too intimate, and so his body naturally told him to run. But he willed himself to stay. Magnus was allowing him to open up, and he needed it, he knew that. “When I say what I’m about to say, I want you to know I only mean it in a friendly manner and I would never try to pressure you into anything of the sort,” Magnus began, his eyes roaming across the room searching for something imaginary. He was fierce and powerful even when lounging on the couch in his apartment. “But you can stay here for awhile, if you want. I have a guest room.”

Alec faltered, his eyes meeting Magnus’s, and Magnus stared up at his frightened eyes in a bit of curiosity. How could this boy be a shadowhunter? He reminded him of Jem Carstairs in a way, a shadowhunter he used to know, one of the few shadowhunters he had ever enjoyed. He couldn’t quite wrap his head around how Alec could possibly be a shadowhunter, shadowhunters were selfish and cared only for themselves, but here he was sitting on his couch torn over being who he truly was and upsetting his family and the clave. Maybe he had just gotten shadowhunters wrong, or maybe Alec was different. Maybe he was better than any shadowhunter that had ever existed. When Alec spoke it was just as panicky and uneasy as his eyes. “That’s a lot, Magnus… I don’t want to be a burden.”

“Alexander, do you think I do things out of pity? Because I don’t. Believe me if I wasn’t so interested in you I wouldn’t be inviting you to stay at my apartment.” Magnus replied. 

After a few moments of careful thinking, Alec met Magnus’s eyes again. “Okay. Thank you.” He knew as he said it that this could either be the best decision or the worst decision, but he knew it would probably ruin any romantic scenario between the two of them. You usually don’t kiss someone and then move into their guest room the next day, but thinking about spending another second in the Institute seemed unbearable. “I guess this wrecks anything between us.” He stated bluntly, shocked as he watched Magnus’s eyes widen with surprise and bemusement. 

“What do you mean?” Magnus questioned, his cat eyes glowing. “That just because I’m letting you stay in my house I wouldn't like you?”

It sounded stupid when Magnus put it like that. “Yeah.” Alec replied, shying his eyes away from Magnus, feeling embarrassed. “I’m a shadowhunter, we’re not supposed to be weak and vulnerable.”

With another hint of surprise, Magnus chuckled. “If you think I liked you because you’re a shadowhunter you’re mistaken.” He returned. “Now that it’s settled you’ll be staying here, you should go get your things and I’ll attempt at making dinner. I’ve definitely improved my cooking skills while I’ve been alive.” 

 

***

 

Alec returned nearly an hour later with a duffel bag in his hands, his heart beating rapidly. He had been on an ultimate stealth mode, hoping to avoid everyone in the Institute as he packed his things, but his  _ parabatai  _ had chosen now to seek him out. Jace had knocked on the door of Alec’s room although the door was already halfway open and he didn’t wait for a reply before barging into the room. His eyebrows raised as he saw Alec packing numerous articles of clothing into the bag. “Alec. What the hell is going on?” He asked, and for the first time in days he locked eye contact with him, for the first time in days he looked concerned, as if he actually cared about Alec’s wellbeing. 

He continued placing things in his bag, folding up an old black sweater. “I can’t stay here right now.” Alec replied with a monotone voice. He refused to meet Jace’s eye again. He sighed and he noticed his hands were fidgeting again. “Do you know that no one in this whole Institute has tried to talk to me in four days? Except Izzy. I’m sorry that I lost your girlfriend but I have bigger things to worry about than you holding a grudge about it.” Alec snapped, zipping up his bag and turning to face Jace again. He was just realizing how hurt and upset he was. “We’re  _ parabatai,  _ we’re supposed to be there for each other and you checked out because I made a mistake.” And with that he walked past him and out the door of his bedroom, leaving Jace behind. 

“Alec, wait!” Jace called, rushing after him and tugging softly on his shoulder. He had learned a long time ago that Alec didn’t do good with force. “I’m sorry.” 

Their eyes met and Alec regarded him for a moment. He looked wrecked, and Alec almost let it go. It wasn’t his fault everything happened, but he wasn’t there for him as a true brother should’ve been. “It’s fine, Jace.” He replied bluntly, hoping his tone ended the conversation, and went to Isabelle’s room in hopes of finding her. He rapped on the door and walked inside after hearing a soft,  _ Come in  _ from the other side of the door. 

She was sitting on her bed playing idly with her whip, something Alec would have warned her about had he felt up to it, and she wrapped it back around her wrist as she looked up at him. Her eyes fell to rest on the bag hung around his shoulder. “Where are you going?” She asked warily, genuine worry and interest cast across her face. 

He meandered over and sat down on the bed next to her. “I’m going to stay with Magnus Bane for a little while.” Alec replied. Isabelle sat up, pulling her knees up to her chest and gave him a suggestive smile. “It’s not like that Izzy, by the Angel.” He sounded exasperated. 

“Well he was totally flirting with you the night at his place. And if you need someone to get you through a time like this, that’s not a bad thing.” Isabelle reposited, biting back. She was so strong and sure of herself, Alec didn’t know how she did it. She was so confident, she wasn’t afraid of being herself, in fact she loved it. Alec doubted he would ever be fractionally as confident as she was. “Lydia’s supposed to be coming by soon.” Izzy warned, spitting out the name Lydia as if it were a disease. “If you want to avoid her and mother you should probably get going.”

Alec stood up, looking down at her. “Thanks. Are you going to be okay here? I know things have been tense with you and mom.” He asked, to which she smiled.

“I’ll be fine. Simon’s been coming around here a lot and he’s pretty fun to play with.” She replied, to which he rolled his eyes before walking out of the room and out of the Institute. 

When he walked up to Magnus’s apartment he saw that the door was wide open and Alec felt himself turn automatically alert as he crept into the apartment. Instead of danger he saw Magnus standing at a table in the corner, covered with numerous dishes of food Alec was fairly certain he hadn’t cooked and dwelled up by magic. He was wearing a “kiss the cook” apron. Magnus’s cat eyes lit up when he saw how alert Alec was, amused. 

Alec’s pulse slowed, and he placed his bag down on the floor. “Your door was open I thought something happened.” He explained, feeling the hilt of a knife against his side for security.   
“I’m fine.” Magnus replied flippantly. “It’s cute that you panicked to protect me, though. Shadowhunters, always so alert.” Alec felt his face blush as he cocked an eyebrow, watching Magnus’s cat-like agility as he walked over to the door where Alec was sitting. “Apparently my cooking has not approved so I… ordered this.” He said, and Alec ignored the fact that he most definitely didn’t _order_ this food. He most likely waved a hand and the food appeared on the table in an instant, but the fact that Magnus went to these lengths to make dinner was endearing and filled Alec with a contentment he hadn’t felt in a long time. 

They talked amiably for a while, the both of them eating dinner while they got to know each other. Magnus was closed off and yet very open, talking about fond memories but leaving out certain things about him. He went into gory detail about his relationship with Michelange and then moved onto his flings with every single founding father but never mentioned his parents. Alec knew how warlocks were born, so he understood why. It must be hard, being a warlock. 

After, Alec brought his bag to the guest room, a surprisingly conservative room considering it was in Magnus’s house. He felt nervous falling asleep that night, in a place that wasn’t the Institute. He felt like he needed to be closer to Izzy and Jace, he was always there for them and always looked after them and now he had left them alone. It was irrational, Alec realized that, but being away from his sister and his  _ parabatai  _ made him fitful.


	2. chapter two

Alec woke at seven and meandered out to the kitchen and began to make himself a cup of tea, Magnus had urged to make himself at home before he went to sleep that night. The cat-eyed warlock was still asleep, and with cup in hand, Alec wandered around the apartment, finally getting to look around. He paused at the book shelves, admiring how many books lined the walls.

The apartment was quiet in the early morning, you would never know a warlock lived in it, that demons were raised in it, that shadowhunters barged in here demanding things at all times. You would never know that this was anything but a normal loft if it weren’t for Magnus.

He hadn’t really allowed himself to think about Magnus in any way other than abstract and someone who was being friendly and helping him. Even after Alec started being honest with himself he still refrained from thinking about things that might be emotionally taxing. He liked Magnus, he liked him a lot, there was something so extraordinary and exciting about him. They had kissed, twice, and both times felt like his world was being put into place somehow. But Magnus was  _ Magnus,  _ a four hundred year old warlock who had lived and experienced, and Alec was doubtful as to why he would be interested in someone like him, a teenage shadowhunter whose parents thought they were allowed to tell him he couldn’t be gay. A boy who still shamefully had feelings for his  _ parabatai.  _

Magnus slept until noon, which oddly made Alec uneasy. Sitting around in someone else’s house for five hours put him a bit on edge. In the five hour time period he drank three cups of tea. Finally Magnus wandered out of his bedroom in a black fluffy bathrobe and slippers adorned on his feet. His eyes were dazzling and his hair was immaculate in a messy fashion. “Alexander.” He greeted when his eyes fell on Alec who was sitting awkwardly on the couch. “How long have you been up?”

“Not long.” Alec lied, placing his hands on his legs. He was wearing a navy sweater and another pair of black jeans and he felt out of place in Magnus’s posh and shiny apartment next to Magnus who was always flashy in the best way. Magnus opened his mouth to say something just as someone buzzed up to the apartment.

“Are you expecting company?” He asked in a sarcastic, bemused manner to which Alec shook his head. Magnus strided over to the door, buzzing the person up lazily without looking to see who it was, which Alec thought was rather careless, and then went to sit on the chair opposite him. A good thirty seconds later there was a knock at the door, to which Magnus waved his hand and the door proceeded to swing open, revealing a shadowhunter with braided blonde hair. Lydia Branwell. Alec jumped up, as Magnus stared at her in an amused fashion, guessing who it was rather immediately. 

She stood in the doorway awkwardly, out of place. The Branwells didn’t mingle with downworlders, ever, and she looked out of her element completely. For the record, the Lightwoods didn’t mingle with downworlders either but Alec and Isabelle had never followed their parents prejudice. He thought of how many times their mother put Izzy down for interacting with downworlders. “Lydia.” He greeted awkwardly. “What are you doing here?”

“Isabelle told me this is where you’d be staying.” She replied before turning to Magnus. And irrational annoyance rose inside of Alec for Izzy telling Lydia where he was but he quickly buried it. “Hi, you’re Magnus Bane. My name’s Lydia Branwell.” She acknowledged. 

Magnus smiled at her. “Yes, I’ve heard about you.” He replied in a breezy manner, looking at the two of them as if he were watching a movie. Alec came to the presumption that warlocks were no help when it came to manners like this.

Lydia raised an eyebrow and turned back to Alec. “I came to tell you that I’m refusing the marriage to my parents. I was hoping you could do the same?” She asked, faltering. “It’s not that you’re not nice, I just-”

“No, I get it.” Alec interrupted, feeling a wave of relief pass over him. If the two of them refused the arranged marriage their parents couldn’t possibly see it through.

Lydia smiled, relief washing over her as well. “Okay, good.” After a moment, she added, “I’m gay so I doubt the marriage could hardly work anyway.”

Alec blinked, hesitating. He hadn’t assumed that, although it was stupid to have not even considered it. “I’m gay too. So I really don’t think the marriage could work.” He replied, feeling his pulse quicken. Everytime he breathed the word he felt like a weight being lifted off of his shoulders. 

Lydia laughed, her eyes crinkling. “This is a disaster. Both of our parents are so wrapped up in honor they don’t even realize crucial aspects of what marriage is.”

Despite himself, Alec chuckled softly. When she left, after hugging him and shaking hands with Magnus, Lydia was in fact a very bubbly person, Alec stood there in the doorway in silence. Magnus seemed to be looking at him expectantly, waiting for him to say something. After a minute passed of deafening quiet, Magnus spoke. “This is good, right?” He asked, an eyebrow raised, his eyes glowing.

Faltering, Alec turned to look at him. “I was going to do it, I was going to accept the marriage.” He began. “Because it was the honorable thing to do. I was going to marry her, and if I don’t all I’ll do is bring more dishonor onto my family.” It was true, although the thought of it wrecked him inside, Alec was going to go through with marrying Lydia until she showed up there.

“There comes a point where you have to disregard honor and worry solely about yourself.” Magnus replied, walking closer to him until they were a few inches apart. Alec could feel his pace start to quicken as Magnus looked up at him closely, locking eyes. “Alexander,” He began before stopping, reaching up and brushing Alec’s face with his finger, causing Alec to shiver. “You deserve better, I just hope you know that.”

He turned to walk away, and Alec felt like he was stuck in limbo. Either he could turn away as well or he could do something about his feelings for Magnus, do something he wanted for the first time in forever. He could kiss him, a desire he had been burying for weeks, he could give in, but that would also mean dishonor, again.

Before he could over think it he turned to Magnus and tugged at his wrist, pulling him close up against him. Magnus’s eyebrows raised, and Alec drank every aspect of him in for a moment, the way his black hair fell in awkward yet fitting ways, the sliver of his chest that was exposed from his bathrobe, the faint trace of glittery eye shadow that was left on the inner crease of his eyes. Now that he had come as far as grabbing Magnus, Alec had absolutely no idea how to go further, which was a concept Magnus seemed to grasp rather quickly. Magnus wrapped a steady arm around Alec’s waist, closing whatever gap was left between them, and put his finger under his chin, tilting his face down until their mouths were almost meeting. They fit together perfectly, and Alec could feel his heart pounding in his ears as Magnus leaned up to kiss him, their mouths pressing together. He could feel a gasp rising in his throat, his eyes closing, lost in a daze. Nothing compared to kissing Magnus, not training, not fighting demons, nothing. Alec wrapped his arms around Magnus’s back, sliding them down to the base of his back near his waist, and when they pulled away, Magnus’s eyes were shimmering brighter than he’d ever seen them before. He was still pressed against him, and Alec could hear the slow beat of his heart, much slower than his own because he was a warlock. It was odd and soothing, steadier than anything he’d ever heard. Much steadier than his own pounding, irregular heart beats. 

Magnus smiled up at him, “You’re getting better at this kissing thing.” He remarked casually, causing Alec’s cheeks to involuntarily flush. “This is probably selfish, but I’m glad Lydia won’t marry you.” He said before turning on his heel and walking out of the room, his head pointed down at his slippered feet. Were warlocks always so cryptic?


End file.
